For many of us, every day is a struggle. It’s not necessarily a battlefield, but it leaves us exhausted, frustrated, and emotional. We just want to do our best. Sometimes, it is enough; other times, we fall far too short, especially regarding our children. We know them so well. We watch them as they grow and develop. We really do our best.
It’s overwhelming to find out your child is neuro-divergent. Neurodiversity is a comprehensive term, but in short, it is simply the recognition that no two people’s brains work in the same way and that each way of thinking and doing is just as valuable and important as the next. ADHD, autism and dyslexia are just three of many conditions that fall under neurodiversity.
Perhaps you noticed small differences between your child and the siblings or the peers. There may have been developmental milestones that your child struggled with. Talking, walking, and stringing beads, for example, are all things that so many experts emphasise. Or maybe your child couldn’t make friends, and the meltdowns were from hell(so to speak, of course).
The results…
My child was born after a healthy pregnancy when I was 41 years old. As an ‘older mum’, a caesarean section was the safer option. He was a bit skinny for a while because I struggled to breastfeed. However, those little cheeks puffed out quickly after he started on the bottle.
He was beautiful. He could do everything the books said and was happy, sweet, and healthy. He packed his toys in rows and parked cars neatly next to each other, and I thought that I would never need him to tidy up his room.
To kindergarten. A few weeks after he starts, his teacher suggests that he be evaluated and start with speech therapy. What? I didn’t realise that his speech wasn’t as developed as other buddies his age. He is our only child, and there is no one we can take notes from. Besides, Dad and I understand him just fine. All right then. Speech therapy for almost 2 years.
Except for one kindergarten teacher who calls my child wild, there are no complaints about his behaviour. On the contrary, he is a popular boy.
Gr R starts well. The Covid lockdown is over, so to speak, even if things are still very confusing. But that’s when the bus’s wheels start turning in the wrong direction. The teacher suggests occupational therapy to address the few fallouts.
Gr 1, and I am called by the teacher at least twice a term. No behavioural problems, but my child struggles with reading and writing. The teacher suggests we have him evaluated by the school psychologist and test for dyslexia. He was only 6 years old at the time, too young for a diagnosis. After the tests, there seems to be a strong possibility of dyslexia.
Pediatric neurologist. EEG. Signs of epilepsy, but not enough to worry about. Medication for ADHD. Occupational therapy is still ongoing. We are ready for what lies ahead.
Gr 2 is pretty effortless. I sing the meds’ praises to anyone who wants to hear it or not. Reports look good. Promises of an Xbox contribute to a successful year.
Gr 3. My child is growing up. He is done with therapy, enjoys after school, and his homework looks nice. The first parent meeting with his teacher made me lose heart again. He works slowly, daydreams, and struggles with spelling and sentence construction. At least he is a quiet and obedient boy. But tests must be done again. He is old enough to be diagnosed, and if it really is dyslexia, at least we can work on it before the higher grades.
Oh, the guilt!
And there we are again with all the emotions we experienced in his Gr R year. The sadness, the concern about his future, the self-blame, the questions, and above all, the guilt. Where did we make mistakes? Did I feed him too many bananas as a baby? I should have breastfed longer. I should have done this, and noticed that. Whose fault is it?
Remember that neurodiversity has nothing to do with parental choices. Stop feeling guilty and stand by your child.
A tsunami of emotion overwhelms you as a parent at that time. You think back and remember little things, signs that now make sense. And then the guilt again. And if you allow that wave of emotions and guilt to bring you down, it’s hard to get up.
The frustrations
After the initial blow, reality begins to kick in. You must locate and read all articles again, and you must research new tools.
However, if you think about it, life just continues, but you now have more insight and knowledge. Yes, there will still be the usual daily struggles: get up, get dressed, go brush your teeth (over and over if you have a son), and I’ll wait in the car in the meantime. You will still be tired and frustrated because there are things to put in place so your child can function and develop optimally.
Raising a neuro-divergent child can be extremely frustrating. Maybe your child has trouble communicating or making friends at school. This can lead to challenging behaviour and meltdowns. You must understand that this behaviour stems from your child’s neurological differences; it is not intentional. Practice patience and learn strategies that will help you and your child. And give yourself a break. If you behave more calmly, your child will also be calmer and more easily overcome challenges.
Successes!
Celebrate your child’s successes, no matter how small. How you tackle this aspect of the challenge will greatly impact your child’s development and self-confidence. Cherish it. However, remember that your child’s big moments will look different from a classmate’s. Focus on your child’s growth and never make comparisons.
Uniqueness
There is no other child like your child. Neuro-divergent children (and adults) often have exceptional talents and perspectives that can fuel everyone around them. Encourage your child to follow their interests, and help them develop their strengths to the utmost. Teach them to accept that they are different and to be proud of it.
A calm home
Think about how important your home environment is to you as an adult. How often do you not beg for a little peace and quiet? For your neuro-divergent child, it’s the same, perhaps even worse.
Your child spends the whole day at school, where they sit and stand in rows, where they have to be quiet and focused. They are not allowed to talk back or say what comes to their mind. In other words, they must be on their best behaviour.
How do you feel after an hour-long meeting where you have to put your best foot forward? It’s exhausting. Now, compare this to the busy brain of your child. Create a calm environment at home. Understand if your child lets loose the moment he gets home. It’s not about you.
Although routine and schedules are important, give your child some space. Help him relax to process any remaining stress from the school day. Talk to him. Give him that safe environment he needs and help him manage expectations and overwhelming emotions.
Independence
Neuro-divergent children, like mine, often struggle to communicate because they are shy and quiet children. He struggles to articulate his needs even if he talks to me about football or a game or funny videos. Fortunately, when he was very small, I introduced talk times. Then we sit somewhere and ask each other questions about everything and anything else. Usually, this leads to a deeper conversation where he then tells me what happened that day or what bothers him.
I am also very proud of him for knowing what he likes and doesn’t like. It doesn’t bother him that he is the only one in his class who loves football and doesn’t like rugby at all. Yes, he is only 8 years old now. It may still change. But I encourage him not to be apologetic if he disagrees with someone, that everyone is different, and that respect for that is very important. Even though he still struggles to tie his shoelaces, I believe that this philosophy teaches him independence.
He is who he is
Your child thinks and acts differently. Accept it. Embrace it. Celebrate it. They are not broken, and therefore, you cannot fix them. Understand and support your child’s unique needs. He will still find his place in the world. Meanwhile, your child’s place is with you. Even though the challenges are great and the rewards are not always obvious, you are his safe haven.
The world needs these children. It is your duty and privilege as a parent to prepare them to take their place.
Give them your patience, understanding, endurance, persistence, and, above all, love.
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We are still waiting on the results of the last evaluation. In the meantime, life goes on as it has always done.
Leave me a comment if you can relate. Perhaps you have advice, or maybe you just want to chat.