Introverts and Small Talk: Escaping the Conversational Quicksand

I put it to you: cheerfully (or less) answering the chatty colleague’s questions or slowly turning the other way, pretending you remembered something important that had to be done right away?

Small talk. The bane of an introvert’s existence, the social sinkhole we’d rather avoid. Binge-watching documentaries about anything, and I mean anything, is much more agreeable than listening to whoever is regaling you with tales about how they shortened their curtains two weeks ago and made a new bestie in the supermarket.

How the world loves to babble, and sometimes, we must do what we don’t want to do: venture into the unavoidable conversational quagmire. If we put our minds together, we can develop some survival tips. What follows here is my tuppence worth.

My keyboard is ready, and powerful Viking war music is blasting through my headphones…

 “Nice weather we’re having, isn’t it?”

Is this a question or a statement? It could be worse. It could be something like, “I saw you frowning earlier. Are you alright?” Small talk is like a campaign through a desert of awkward silences and predictable questions about the weather, health and personal opinions. It leaves us drained, dazed, and exhausted, as if we’ve just performed an aria for a room full of metal heads.

But what is the reason for this? As a fellow introverted soul, you would know that our introverted brains are wired differently. Add to that the very distinct possibility of undiagnosed inattentive ADHD, and it all starts to make sense. We love meaningful conversations; we love to delve into the mysteries of the universe and the intricacies of keeping houseplants alive. But. Small talk, with its shallow inquiries about party plans and the latest Real Housewives of Wherever drama, feels like treading water in the middle of the ocean with no land in sight. We tire quickly, we get bored easily, and social niceties fly out the window faster than *load shedding gets implemented in South Africa.

*Load shedding: when the electricity supply to an area is cut to save the network. I could add that because of corruption and bad management, but I won’t.

What to do, what to do?

Is there a way to survive this tsunami of social interaction? Let us look at some ways to navigate these treacherous waters. Who knows, we might even find some of them enjoyable:

Introverts are Observers: Seize Your Power: We often see what others don’t (unless our inattention kicks in, but let’s focus on the positives here). Instead of feeling like a deer during hunting season, turn the tables. Observe the scene, take it all in, listen to the conversations, and pick out your target (ha, I am kidding! We don’t do that…). You are bound to hear some exciting bits and be ready to shoot the sh** in no time.

Your Comfort Zone: I know, I know. Introverts and comfort zones don’t ever want to part. Don’t force yourself to talk about things that wither your whole being. What are you good at? What are your favourite things? Sounds a bit trite, but try it. Find your conversational comfort zone and let your inner genius shine. You are far more interesting than you think.

Use Your Face: What? Facial expressions go a long way. Practise that mysterious smile, and learn to raise an eyebrow and nod. The more you use your face, the less you might have to talk.

You can ask questions that will generate more than ‘yes’ or ‘no’ as an answer. The more relatable your questions, the more they invite a monologue, which leaves your mind free to wander. No, really. As long as your facial expression remains interested in the monologue. You might be surprised to find yourself actually engaging in conversation.

Remember Houdini: If he could escape, so can you. The more graceful, of course, the better. Do you have imaginary friends? Use them. Spot them from across the room whenever you feel your inner banshee taking a deep breath. If, like me, you are of an age that causes you to find the bathroom before you even greet anyone, go recharge there. As often as you need to.

Find Another Introvert: Seek out a wallflower and go be awkward together. No one will bat an eyelid, and you won’t have to talk. However, there is always a chance that the two, or three or four,  of you might hit it off. We’re like Reptilians: everywhere. You might finally find your people and pass the time laughing at the absurdity of it all.

But Seriously, Now

When I started writing this, it was with the best of intentions. I wanted to help people like me. I still like to. But as I progressed, I realised that it is not easy for a person, or an introvert, to step outside their bubble. I, for one, love my bubble. My bubble is cosy. Even so, it would be amazing to turn my ‘tips’ into something that sparks a genuine connection. What if there were a secret weapon or password or knock? How about Curiosity?

  • Listen to what is being said:  Truly listen to what the person is expressing, and pick up on keywords and hidden interests. Don’t just wait for your turn to talk. You might get so carried away or nervous that you miss the opportunity to say your peace.
  • Ask Follow-Up Questions: Do not reply with “Oh, that’s nice. Cool.” Ask questions that show you’re genuinely interested in their story. (But if you are not, Houdini.)
  • Your World Is Interesting! Tell others about your interests and hobbies. When we get nervous, some of us blab about things too personal. Don’t do this. (I am looking at myself here.) Lift the mask a little at a time.
  • Superhero: Well, not really. But be fearless for a change. Dive into the deep end. Use your wit and humour. You can’t be the only one who thinks a particular thing or situation is funny.

To leave your protective circle and venture into unknown territory is daunting for most. Maybe I will write a post about teaching extroverted individuals how not to be extroverted (from my perspective, naturally…).

In all honesty, it is not that small talk is frightening. We find it uncomfortable. We have as much to say as anyone. It is just that we choose our audience carefully. Quiet, shy people don’t all have self-confidence issues. We are not all profoundly anxious.

The dislike of small talk embodies our inherent need to do things on our terms. Unfortunately, those who expect us to grin and bear it don’t see the whole picture.

**Before you turn away and pretend you have very important business to attend to, it is your turn. Let me know your thoughts on small talk and the awkwardness it creates. How do you survive those team-building sessions? Do you have any tips to ensure my survival? Share your triumphs and witty responses in the comment section below.

You are my people. Introverts, unite!

Intrepidly,

Anni